Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Processing ...

What's in a name? Well ... everything. It has potential to be our identity whether it's good or bad. Whether it's our birth name or childish name calling, we identify with told names. To some of you, I am known as Kristine; my birth name. To some of you, I am known as Kristi; my growing up nickname. The real questions to ask are: what do I prefer? What do I identify with? What name brings baggage? What name makes me feel fully me? Who am I? 

I am whole heartedly Kristine. Actually, I am whole heartedly Kristine Rae Endsley. I love my name. When I hear it, I automatically think, "that's me!" 

So who are the two to me and maybe to some of you? Kristi, which has had different spellings through the years, is a child. Kristi doesn't know who she is and is very insecure. Kristi hates who she is and locks herself in her room from the outside world self abusing. She has a big heart, but you wouldn't know it. When I think about Kristi, I think about how she never gave herself a chance to be fully known. Kristi is not good enough in her view. Vulnerability and being open hearted was not an option. Kristi probably didn't even know what those things really meant or looked like. Kristi to me is an unhealthy child emotionally and spiritually and when I'm called Kristi a part of me {Kristine} cringes thinking, "don't put that back on me!" 

Me, Kristine ... I love Kristine. Not only do I love Kristine, but I like Kristine. Kristine grows daily. I give myself room to make mistakes and be okay with those mistakes. Kristine lives with an open heart to all the possibilities of goodness and kindness and love that is all wrapped around Jesus. Me, Kristine, goes back and forth with first person and third person in the same sentence and knows that life will still be okay with grammar mistakes. Kristine knows it's okay to fail. It's okay to want to be alone. It's okay to have a shitty day and say it's a shitty day wholeheartedly because that doesn't mean it disrupts God's goodness towards me or for me. Kristine lives freely in the good and bad. I can not explain how freeing it is to not hide from the bad in my days, the disappointments, because those things are real and I crave to always be real. Kristine knows what vulnerability can look like in safe environments. I'm not sure if this is safe, ha, but I've committed to being true in this. 

It's amazing to sit here right now and think about where I've been and where I am now. I was once full of shame and destructive voices in my head with no safe outlet to admit my struggle. I can't say that those things don't try to creep in from time to time, but shame has no tight hold on me now that I have a safe place to process; safe friends to reach out to who seek living authentic lives as well. I 'know in my knower' that I, Kristine, am worthy of love, worthy of being known, worthy of belonging, and my value does not decrease because of someone's inability to see my worth. 

I wish Kristi knew these things years ago. It would have saved a lot of hurt and heartache, but the reality is, those years are not wasted so it's okay it took me this long to get it. 

So I can't make you call me Kristine. That's not the point of this; but I can guarantee that if you call me Kristi, you probably don't know the person I have become and you might even still see me as a child. This post is not for change, but more to make aware the effect a name can have. 

My name is Kristine and I love me and Jesus. 


Thursday, December 2, 2010

history.

i l o v e listening to life stories from people in all walks of life. these stories are even more special when they come from people i love dearly.


my grandma's hair stylist in the 70's was also an artist. every time she went in she would pay her a little for this painting. it was a surprise for my papa's birthday. i guess that's where i get my joy out of surprising people. that's all i really ever knew about the painting. i inherited this painting when my granny passed away. the extra special thing is that she surprised me with her message on the back i never knew about ... she loved him well.
i l o v e that i have this piece of history to carry on.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

seasons change

‎'Once I have found that in my total brokeness I am still loved, I become FREE from COMPULSION of doing successful things.' -H. Nouwen

I've been chewing on this quote for a few days now and I believe such freedom is true and breaking through.

... More soon.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Hey everyone.

As most of you know, in 2008 I spent four months serving in New York as a photographer for a non profit organization. The main purpose of my time was to photograph ethnic groups/religions for a book that was being put together with extensive research. The idea behind it was much like Operation World, but with more photos.

This book is pretty awesome and I am so glad I was apart of it. So whether it's just a coffee table picture book for you or a way to pray for specific groups in New York, your support is greatly appreciated and needed. ALL proceeds go to church planting in Metro New York.

ethNYcity: The Nations, Tongues, and Faiths of Metropolitan New York is $25 and can be purchased at http://www.ethnycitybook.com/ For local people, I do have a box of books that can save you a little on shipping.

The top photos on the cover are mine as well as the two bottom left ones.

Pretty cool!

Monday, February 1, 2010

b l u r b .

what inspires you?

i feel like i've been lacking inspiration. i remember college days when i had more than a handful of projects to get done at once lacking inspiration. then, all of a sudden, it came. always unexpected but perfect. i saw it complete.

i'm longing for the all of sudden today. desire to dream again. to create again. but to also be present in the meantime.

all of a sudden, please come soon.

mixed media/collage/photography

kristine endsley

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

i'm in a list mood.

. i am starting to make plans for moving to texas. they're not going so great.

. i could eat peanut butter m and m's all day.

. i am out of bed earlier starting today.

. i discovered new music this week.

. i need a coke.

. i think this is the worst post i've come up with.

. i think i'll go to sleep now.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

ending well.

can you believe it? it's almost a new year! another year wrapped up in MUCH growing, in laughter, heartaches, great adventure, new life, sharing, falling, nurturing; a year of much. it is always amazing to look back and see where i went physically and spiritually.

i've been thinking about the end of this year and how to end well and start well. five days to be intentional. not sure what it will look like, but it will be time for rest and reconnecting with my heart in order to start well. there has certainly been a disconnect.

2009 highlights
1) Visiting Jess in Scotland
2) Tennessee
3) Holding Emma
4) New Tunes
5) ... You fill in.

2010 - I hope to blog more, laugh more, cry more, take pictures more, hike more, read more, sing more, live life more. See you then.

Cheers.