I am whole heartedly Kristine. Actually, I am whole heartedly Kristine Rae Endsley. I love my name. When I hear it, I automatically think, "that's me!"
So who are the two to me and maybe to some of you? Kristi, which has had different spellings through the years, is a child. Kristi doesn't know who she is and is very insecure. Kristi hates who she is and locks herself in her room from the outside world self abusing. She has a big heart, but you wouldn't know it. When I think about Kristi, I think about how she never gave herself a chance to be fully known. Kristi is not good enough in her view. Vulnerability and being open hearted was not an option. Kristi probably didn't even know what those things really meant or looked like. Kristi to me is an unhealthy child emotionally and spiritually and when I'm called Kristi a part of me {Kristine} cringes thinking, "don't put that back on me!"
Me, Kristine ... I love Kristine. Not only do I love Kristine, but I like Kristine. Kristine grows daily. I give myself room to make mistakes and be okay with those mistakes. Kristine lives with an open heart to all the possibilities of goodness and kindness and love that is all wrapped around Jesus. Me, Kristine, goes back and forth with first person and third person in the same sentence and knows that life will still be okay with grammar mistakes. Kristine knows it's okay to fail. It's okay to want to be alone. It's okay to have a shitty day and say it's a shitty day wholeheartedly because that doesn't mean it disrupts God's goodness towards me or for me. Kristine lives freely in the good and bad. I can not explain how freeing it is to not hide from the bad in my days, the disappointments, because those things are real and I crave to always be real. Kristine knows what vulnerability can look like in safe environments. I'm not sure if this is safe, ha, but I've committed to being true in this.
It's amazing to sit here right now and think about where I've been and where I am now. I was once full of shame and destructive voices in my head with no safe outlet to admit my struggle. I can't say that those things don't try to creep in from time to time, but shame has no tight hold on me now that I have a safe place to process; safe friends to reach out to who seek living authentic lives as well. I 'know in my knower' that I, Kristine, am worthy of love, worthy of being known, worthy of belonging, and my value does not decrease because of someone's inability to see my worth.
I wish Kristi knew these things years ago. It would have saved a lot of hurt and heartache, but the reality is, those years are not wasted so it's okay it took me this long to get it.
So I can't make you call me Kristine. That's not the point of this; but I can guarantee that if you call me Kristi, you probably don't know the person I have become and you might even still see me as a child. This post is not for change, but more to make aware the effect a name can have.
My name is Kristine and I love me and Jesus.
