Processing ...

What's in a name? Well ... everything. It has potential to be our identity whether it's good or bad. Whether it's our birth name or childish name calling, we identify with told names. To some of you, I am known as Kristine; my birth name. To some of you, I am known as Kristi; my growing up nickname. The real questions to ask are: what do I prefer? What do I identify with? What name brings baggage? What name makes me feel fully me? Who am I? 

I am whole heartedly Kristine. Actually, I am whole heartedly Kristine Rae Endsley. I love my name. When I hear it, I automatically think, "that's me!" 

So who are the two to me and maybe to some of you? Kristi, which has had different spellings through the years, is a child. Kristi doesn't know who she is and is very insecure. Kristi hates who she is and locks herself in her room from the outside world self abusing. She has a big heart, but you wouldn't know it. When I think about Kristi, I think about how she never gave herself a chance to be fully known. Kristi is not good enough in her view. Vulnerability and being open hearted was not an option. Kristi probably didn't even know what those things really meant or looked like. Kristi to me is an unhealthy child emotionally and spiritually and when I'm called Kristi a part of me {Kristine} cringes thinking, "don't put that back on me!" 

Me, Kristine ... I love Kristine. Not only do I love Kristine, but I like Kristine. Kristine grows daily. I give myself room to make mistakes and be okay with those mistakes. Kristine lives with an open heart to all the possibilities of goodness and kindness and love that is all wrapped around Jesus. Me, Kristine, goes back and forth with first person and third person in the same sentence and knows that life will still be okay with grammar mistakes. Kristine knows it's okay to fail. It's okay to want to be alone. It's okay to have a shitty day and say it's a shitty day wholeheartedly because that doesn't mean it disrupts God's goodness towards me or for me. Kristine lives freely in the good and bad. I can not explain how freeing it is to not hide from the bad in my days, the disappointments, because those things are real and I crave to always be real. Kristine knows what vulnerability can look like in safe environments. I'm not sure if this is safe, ha, but I've committed to being true in this. 

It's amazing to sit here right now and think about where I've been and where I am now. I was once full of shame and destructive voices in my head with no safe outlet to admit my struggle. I can't say that those things don't try to creep in from time to time, but shame has no tight hold on me now that I have a safe place to process; safe friends to reach out to who seek living authentic lives as well. I 'know in my knower' that I, Kristine, am worthy of love, worthy of being known, worthy of belonging, and my value does not decrease because of someone's inability to see my worth. 

I wish Kristi knew these things years ago. It would have saved a lot of hurt and heartache, but the reality is, those years are not wasted so it's okay it took me this long to get it. 

So I can't make you call me Kristine. That's not the point of this; but I can guarantee that if you call me Kristi, you probably don't know the person I have become and you might even still see me as a child. This post is not for change, but more to make aware the effect a name can have. 

My name is Kristine and I love me and Jesus. 

history.

i l o v e listening to life stories from people in all walks of life. these stories are even more special when they come from people i love dearly.

my grandma's hair stylist in the 70's was also an artist. every time she went in she would pay her a little for this painting. it was a surprise for my papa's birthday. i guess that's where i get my joy out of surprising people. that's all i really ever knew about the painting. i inherited this painting when my granny passed away. the extra special thing is that she surprised me with her message on the back i never knew about ... she loved him well.

i l o v e that i have this piece of history to carry on.

seasons change

‎'Once I have found that in my total brokeness I am still loved, I become FREE from COMPULSION of doing successful things.' -H. Nouwen

I've been chewing on this quote for a few days now and I believe such freedom is true and breaking through.

... More soon.

Hey everyone.

As most of you know, in 2008 I spent four months serving in New York as a photographer for a non profit organization. The main purpose of my time was to photograph ethnic groups/religions for a book that was being put together with extensive research. The idea behind it was much like Operation World, but with more photos.

This book is pretty awesome and I am so glad I was apart of it. So whether it's just a coffee table picture book for you or a way to pray for specific groups in New York, your support is greatly appreciated and needed. ALL proceeds go to church planting in Metro New York.

ethNYcity: The Nations, Tongues, and Faiths of Metropolitan New York is $25 and can be purchased at http://www.ethnycitybook.com/ For local people, I do have a box of books that can save you a little on shipping.

The top photos on the cover are mine as well as the two bottom left ones.

Pretty cool!

b l u r b .

what inspires you?

i feel like i've been lacking inspiration. i remember college days when i had more than a handful of projects to get done at once lacking inspiration. then, all of a sudden, it came. always unexpected but perfect. i saw it complete.

i'm longing for the all of sudden today. desire to dream again. to create again. but to also be present in the meantime.

all of a sudden, please come soon.

mixed media/collage/photography

kristine endsley

i'm in a list mood.

. i am starting to make plans for moving to texas. they're not going so great.

. i could eat peanut butter m and m's all day.

. i am out of bed earlier starting today.

. i discovered new music this week.

. i need a coke.

. i think this is the worst post i've come up with.

. i think i'll go to sleep now.

ending well.

can you believe it? it's almost a new year! another year wrapped up in MUCH growing, in laughter, heartaches, great adventure, new life, sharing, falling, nurturing; a year of much. it is always amazing to look back and see where i went physically and spiritually.

i've been thinking about the end of this year and how to end well and start well. five days to be intentional. not sure what it will look like, but it will be time for rest and reconnecting with my heart in order to start well. there has certainly been a disconnect.

2009 highlights
1) Visiting Jess in Scotland
2) Tennessee
3) Holding Emma
4) New Tunes
5) ... You fill in.

2010 - I hope to blog more, laugh more, cry more, take pictures more, hike more, read more, sing more, live life more. See you then.

Cheers.

praying you sense Emmanuel's sweet peace today.

Oh Me. Oh My.

I have not blogged in ages. This seems to always be the start of blogs though. I can't catch you up so lets move forward and go see my sweet Emma. She's a keeper.

Winter is here. There was a week or two where it felt like the sun would never return! Thankfully it did this week. My spirit seems to be influenced by the weather.

I'm not in the typing mood so I'll end here, but wanted to share photos with you. I'll return soon. Surely we can have a conversation on here.

Monday-Saturday's I am up until midnight listening to IHOP . (International House of Prayer) IHOP is located in Kansas City. Right now revival is going on there. Healings that are pretty amazing. If you click on that link, click play in the large black square. I pray your heart is encouraged and challenged as mine has been. It's from 6 PM - 12 AM.

Blessings to you and yours.

Fotos.

I posted some pics of Anna on my photo blog. Go LOOK!

November 2nd?!?

Goodness gracious, where do the days go?! Where has the year gone? Pretty soon, if not already, we will be listening to the annoying Christmas songs over and over again in retail stores. Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas music - I am known for singing jingle bells year round amongst others - but come December I am sick of it all. Then I withdraw from singing for a month or so and pick up jingle bells again.

I wish I could tell you fascinating stories, but all I have is dirty diaper stories. Perhaps other things will come to mind.

Bananas change everything!!! Nathan is now 4 months and has started eating some solids. He wasn't having this whole rice cereal business, so one night for some excitement sake, we tested out bananas. The faces he made were pretty funny. It was like he was eating sour patch kids. So diapers. Since he's been eating bananas and sweet potatoes, I have been majorly pooped on and have had 3 other close calls!! Solids change everything; my clothes included.

Last week I took evening duty with both kiddos while Deb went to a work dinner. My predictions on how the night would go were completely altered as predicted. (ha) Anna did so well. She tried to test me on boundaries, but I was prepared and she was impressed. So while Nathan slept, we ate and then had a dance party. It's funny because when it's just me and Anna, I can totally get my groove on (jumping really), but if others are around, my legs go white. ha! Dance parties are pretty fun. I learn new dance moves from Anna and Deb all the time. The rest of the night went well with bath, books, rocking, praying and bed. Anna really is a joy to be around. Somewhere in between our routine Nathan demanded attention. Glad we all survived and everyone was fed, clean, clothed and sleeping when mommy got home.

This past weekend I got a little sick. No, it's not the pig, bird, donkey or whatever. I had been feeling yucky off and on later in the week, but a lot of it had to do with allergies. Saturday night though I had chills which equaled a fever of 100.5. Thankfully Sunday morning the fever was gone. I'm still snotty, but getting better.

I'm not sure how much the news has covered this story outside of Corpus Christi area, but last Wednesday 2 Lt. Navy Pilots went missing from my brother in laws squadron. These men were on a routine training flight not far from base when they lost communication. As of Friday, one body was found. Please pray for these 2 families. You can read some of the story here. Also, with this tragic news being close to home, it has heightened worries for our own family. Chris, my brother in law is a Lt. Navy Pilot like these men were. Chris and Shannon (my sister) just had their baby, Emma Grace, 2 weeks ago. Please pray for them as these last 2 weeks have been joy with Emma's arrival, but also tears from Chris' grandma passing away and loosing fellow pilots.

Wednesday I am taking Miss Anna out to do a photo shoot downtown. Should be loads of fun. I'm sure I will post pictures.

Well, looks like there was more to talk about than dirty diapers.
All is well. I am thankful for grace, patients, and communication.

Always growing.

All for now.

blessings.

PS: I'm watching a lady bug walk across my ceiling. I wonder where it's going. hmm ... You know there is a statistic that we eat a certain amount of bugs in our lifetime while sleeping. Hope I'm not eating lady bugs tonight.

PSS: Did you know that lady bugs smell when you kill them? It's not a lasting smell, but still a strange scent. Okay, sorry bug lovers, but I grossed myself out at the thought of eating a lady bug so I had to kill it. I'm sure something more dangerous will fly into my mouth now tonight.

Emma Grace.

Born October 16, 2009. 6 pounds. 19 inches.

I can't wait to hold her.

So happy for Chris and Shannon. And so thankful for skype. : )

great outdoors.

i went out on a hike this weekend. i'm hardcore; i hiked with toms shoes. my poor feet.

it was good alone time with my canon 40d and ipod. equally needed in my life.

i don't do this often, but here's a photo i will let you steal. it's full pixels. perhaps your fall background? enjoy.

In other news, my niece, Emma Grace, will grace us with her presence this Friday! So looking forward to meeting her and watching her grow.

Fall back because ...

I finally posted some photos of Nathan on my foto blog. Have a look!! He's a handsome boy.

Today I am wearing a fleece and scarf. I am pretty much set for winter except I really need to find a pair of shoes. I'm not excited about this, but my toes have convinced me it is time to search for the perfect pair and start wearing socks. Those who know me well, know that I don't mix well with socks. I am all about TOMS shoes, chacos, and keens. All a girl needs really .... But (sigh) I will protect my toes as I did living in New York. (wow a whole paragraph about my toes).
I am OH SO EXCITED about this coming weekend. Ask me why, ask me why!!!! Okay ... I'm going to assume you asked. I am OH SO EXCITED about this weekend because my friend KELLI PAIGE ROARK is coming to see ME. Yup, VISIT ME!!!!!!!!!!! And I have her AAALLLLL to MYSELF!! Friends, this means some of my favorite things will happen this weekend!! Here are a few of my favorite things .....

1) HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kelli knows that if at any point I open my arms, this means come to me!! And I get a HUG!!!!!!!!!! I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE HUGS!!!!! And they're not the awkward side hugs like from Ashley. (hahaha, just wanted to mention you friend). Ah, I could stop right there. But no no ... there's more!!!

2) FRITO PIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When we lived in Belton, Kelli was my frito pie buddy. She moved away before I did to live in Scotland for a season. I promised I would not eat frito pie until we could again. Though I have seen her since she's returned, frito pie was never an option for our quick visits soooooooooooooo it's been a little over a YEAR!!!!!!!!!!! Oh the excitement!!Wait! There's more!!!

3) GUITAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love love love listening to Kelli sing and play guitar! We play together as well, but usually I stop during the song just to enjoy her. This reminds me, I need new strings!

Besides those 3 things, I am just so looking forward to being with someone who knows my messy heart and loves me still. I have a feeling this weekend will be full of joy. This weekend would be even MORE perfect if my other half, Jess, could be here. (sigh) We will track you down Jess!!! Maybe we can transport you over here! ;)

roooooooad trip!

i've been going back and forth with this blog thinking ... "oooh i should talk about this." "no, no, i should talk about this." "hmmmm, what do i talk about?"
we could go serious or fun here ... i think i vote for fun today.

this past weekend we ventured out to chattanooga with a 2 year old and a 3 month old. oh the planning!!! you wouldn't guess we would only be around for the weekend with our luggage. we were prepared for anything and everything. :)

the trip went really well. anna loved hiking and well nathan is cool with anything. we visited ruby falls, rock city, and the aquarium. all very close to our hotel. i also hung out at a blue grass/folk festival going on one night a block from our hotel. fun atmosphere. i was so amazed by all the views. i hadn't seen mountains in so long. it's a little different trying to enjoy the view with kids, but my eyes soaked in as much as it could! and really anna and nathan did very well. i could go on and on about the trip but the most notable part is probably what happened on our rock city hike.

we had a couple behind us for most of the way. sometimes they were ahead, but usually we caught up because of picture taking. we switched off a lot taking each others pics which was helpful. we got to one part and i figured they probably wanted a photo because i know i did with the background view! any who ... i walked towards them and the guy handed me his camera. didn't really think much of course. it's just a picture. i can handle the camera. ha!

welllllll, here's the kicker .... they're smiling at me, i'm waiting for the delay flash (very annoying), and with her still looking at me - HE GETS ON HIS KNEE!!!!! i could feel my face turning bright red!!! she was so shocked. I WAS SO SHOCKED!!!! i couldn't stop thinking "oh my gosh kristine! get a good photo!!!!!" (ha) so yeah ... he proposed. and she said YES! :) wild huh? i wish i would have taken a picture with my camera. oh well ... crazy to be a part of that.

here are a couple of photos.

in ruby falls cave. 27 stories down.

nathan finally escaped the ergo.

me and nathan on suspended bridge. it's safe, right?

anna bored with me. =(

Solo.

Have you ever been to the movies solo? I've always wanted to see what it's like. Would I feel lame? Would I feel cool? Would I react the same way to jokes or emotion as with someone else?
Well, the suspense I put myself through is finally over. My questions were all answered.

Does going to the movies ever make you feel "normal?" It does for me. (haha) I feel the same way about eating at Subway locally or abroad. I don't know why, but I was this way even when I was in New York alone. It was comfort to go to the movies and do something "normal" since everything else felt unnatural. The first week I was living in NY, I went straight to the movies. It comforted me that the popcorn would taste the same. (haha) It comforts me that Subway tastes the same everywhere.

Yesterday I braved my insecurities and was super excited about going to the theatre alone. Up to the counter, "One for All About Steve, please." Okay. I'm committed. I'm going in alone. Maybe they think my "friend" is inside waiting for me. Up to ticket man, "Hello doll." (oh no! he knows I'm alone) Such a bizarre experience. I find the theatre and I am all alone inside. Granted, I am a little early. I was so excited about the thought of having the whole room to myself. I could sit where ever I want. I could *snort when laughing. Whatever! But then I realized "Wait Kristine, you're early. People will walk in." (sigh) And they did.

I didn't enjoy watching a movie alone as much as I hoped for. (once past insecurities) I didn't laugh as much which was really disappointing. Granted, the movie has parts I could do without either way.

I'm glad I finally put those questions to rest. Would I do it again? Probably, but more because it's my only option - not because I favor it.

Have you ever been to the movies alone?
Try it. It's bizarre.

All for now.
Pray I find friends. Quickly. We were not made to live life alone.



*i do not snort when laughing.

the other T state.

Dear Readers,

It's tough having a blog! If I don't keep up with it regularly I feel like I must back track to catch you up - and I don't have time for that! :) I'm going to attempt to avoid details and hop around instead. We'll see how that goes. Surely you will stick around either way.

In honor of Tennessee, I googled their state song, but it was long and boring so I opted out of sharing it. I then decided to check out our TEXAS song, surely it's better, and well we really are proud Texans. Okay, okay ... here is Tennessee's song. I can't imagine the tune to it. I will have to google that later. (for Texas fanatics, i knew part of the song, just not the whole thing).

Tennessee living is going well. It's a little less sleep, but I'm drinking Starbucks regularly and going strong! :) The days go by so fast. I've been here almost 2 months I believe. Nathan, whom I care for, is a sweet boy. He is almost 10 weeks and makes my heart happy. I am learning so much from him about myself and even the Father/Mother heart of the Lord. His spirit is so calm and refreshing.

I also get to hang out with Nathan's sister, Anna. She's a hoot! Our time together is usually spent watching "coo coo's" (blues clues), playing outside, tea party or having a dance party! I'm enjoying getting to know her at this age when her personality is blooming.

Last week was really enjoyable. Jess came to visit us for the week, which Anna sure enjoyed the new company. It was great to see them together as Jess cared for her the first 6 months (correction - 10 months) of Anna's life. We went hiking, had a picnic, ate at fun restaurants, etc. So good to have my best friend here.

I ventured up to Piggott, Arkansas for the weekend with Jess to visit her grandparents. Such a cute, very small, town. Coming back, I took a somewhat different route. In 4 hours I drove in 4 states! Arkansas, Missouri, Kentucky and Tennessee. How crazy is that?!? You can't drive out of Texas in 4 hours.

I will be in Texas this weekend which I am looking forward to. I'm sure I will forget that once I feel the HEAT, but it will be nice to see my folks and sister before she has Emma Grace. I also really miss having a dog to play with, so seeing MINE will be oh so good!
Whelp ... I think that is all for now. Here are a few pics of Poppins life.

ciao.

s c o t l a n d .

i saved a bird.

I know .. I know. Pictures soon. I barely downloaded all of Scotland yesterday.

Life is pretty good in Tennessee.

See you soon.

Ewe & Me

I'll tell more later, but here are a few photos and blurbs for now.

Suitcase made it on the plane. (phew!)

As most of you know, I have been in Aberdeen, Scotland for a little over a week now. It has been such a sweet time being with Jess here. The air is refreshing and so is her company. Thankfully the days have gone by slowly. Hopefully the weekend won't zoom by.

My ride. :)

A bit winded, but I made it. "Am I really here?"



I love the clouds here. They are more defined and when the sun comes through them ... amazing.

Jess and me after visiting with the Smiths the day I arrived.

Good way to keep me awake for the rest of the day.

We've gone out on a couple of adventures which is always fun. I couldn't tell you every place without a photo so you'll probably see some more photos later once I get back to the states. Our days have been filled with laughs, catching up, a few good tears and some more laughs.

This photo was not planned at all, but came out so well.

Me and Jess while out exploring with Susie.

Me and Jess with her house in the background. ;)

Thankfully it hasn't been as cold as I expected. I've mostly used my rain jacket or brown sweater above. It's a welcomed break from the 105 degrees in Texas! While here I've gotten some work done as well. Jess has been finishing up an assignment for school, so I've made use of the time. Check out my photo blog if you get a chance. I am so thankful for the Lords timing on coming. It seemed so impossible! Though we have [attempted] to balance work and play, it's been so encouraging being with someone who knows my heart better than I do at times. I've missed the days of living together, so this has been a nice treat. (sigh)

Well, I think this is all for now. I head back to Texas Monday evening and camp out in London airport until Tuesday morning. I arrive to Houston at 3 PM I believe and transfer airports arriving to Corpus Christi at 7:50 PM. 3 days later I begin my drive to Tennessee.

Hope all is well. I'll be back soon enough.

Cheerio! (as they say here)